Newsvine
  • Welcome
  • Help
  • Report Bug
  • Conversation Tracker
  • Your Column
  • Replies
  • Friends
Type Comments Since You Last CheckedArticle Source Last Checked Stop Tracking All Clear Tracking All
Advertise | AdChoices
Log In | Register
Close the Login Panel
Existing users log in below. New users please register for a free account.

New Users:

Existing Users:

E-Mail:
Password:
Forgot Password?
Please enter the e-mail address or domain name you registered with:
E-Mail/Domain:
Back to Login
Log Out
  • Top News
  • Local News
  • World
  • U.S.
  • Sports
  • Politics
  • Tech
  • Entertainment
  • Science
  • Business
  • Health
  • Odd News
  • More
    • Arts
    • Education
    • Environment
    • Fashion
    • History
    • Home & Garden
    • Not News
    • Religion
    • Travel
Visit LaeF1's column >>

LAEF1

Home Page
nocturnal nomadic nordic post-modern student
Articles Posted: 3  Links Seeded: 79
Member Since: 1/2006  Last Seen: 3/31/2012

What is Newsvine?

Updated continuously by citizens like you, Newsvine is an instant reflection of what the world is talking about at any given moment.

Get a Free Account
Help
Fun Stuff
  • Your Clippings
  • Leaderboard
  • E-Mail Alerts
  • Top of the Vine
  • Newsvine Live
  • Newsvine Archives
  • The Greenhouse
  • Recommended Articles
  • Wall of Vineness
Put a Seed Newsvine link on your own site

Rudolph: the True Story Behind the Social Outcast of the Reindeer. (The Sixth Funny Day of Christmas)

Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:18 PM EST
violence, rudolph, beer, explosions, martin-luther-king-jr, john-lennon, che-guevara, christmas, world-news, holidays, reindeer, fireworks, santa, action, consumerism, gandhi, boobies, north-pole, butts, howard-zinn, cupid, flatulence, fred-hampton, 12-funny-days-of-christmas, pole-riding, look-myk-a-poll, reindeer-vagina, ryan-meehan-must-die, everone-saw-laefs-butt, tfd09
By LaeF1

Live Poll

Which individual do you see as the greatest threat to true democracy?

View Results
  • 75225
    A). Santa, the all powerful
    17%
  • 75226
    B). Blitzen, Santa's loyal no conscience servant
    17%
  • 75227
    C). Vixen, the betrayer
    0%
  • 75228
    D). Donder & Dasher, the ignorant followers
    33%
  • 75229
    E). Dancer, who doesn't care
    4%
  • 75230
    F). Prancer, suspect homosexual
    13%
  • 75231
    G). Comet, conspiracy theorist
    0%
  • 75232
    H). Cupid, the liberal, promiscuous hippy
    4%
  • 75233
    I). Rudolph, the revolutionary
    13%

VoteTotal Votes: 24

don't cry for me.

Advertise | AdChoices

In actuality, Rudolph was indeed ridiculed and persecuted for his red nose, and then he led the sleigh through the fog one night and saved Christmas, and then he was summarily assassinated by Blitzen, with the support of most of the other reindeer.

Rudolph was not part of the mainstream, dualistic, double row reigns pulling, punch-drinking reindeer. He had a shiny red nose that if you ever saw it you would even say, "it glows." All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, then he saves everybody's ASS one night, and then they couldn't handle it because Rudolph was really @!$%#ing with their hierarchy - their snobby greedy attention whoring profit-driven reindeer system that was forced upon them by the humans, and Rudolph was the chosen one; their savior. But for some reason reindeer have to kill all their true leaders and teachers. And when a true messianic mu@!$%#in revolutionary red nose reindeer comes along, he can lead them away from the reigns to become their own unbridled, free animal that is no longer the victim of such oppression and tyranny. That is what Rudolph really was meant to do. He wanted the reindeer to be free again. So they @!$%#ing killed him. You never hear that part. Because all the great leaders that truly try to show the way through all the lies and deceptive foggy BULL@!$%# for others, and fight and struggle to help bring justice to the world, well, they are a huge threat to the ones that really rule the world. Rudolph genuinely and ultimately wanted to help ALL the children in the world. He wanted to deliver the gift of wisdom, and compassion, and he wanted to cut the chains that hold down the billions of poor children in the world who would be happy with a loaf of bread for Christmas. But he also understood that in order to help them he had to teach them, not just give them material possessions. He wanted to indiscriminately bring this knowledge to all the kids, not just the ones that were Christians.

Rudolph was an artist. Rudolph was a teacher. Rudolph was a revolutionary. Rudolph was a scholar. Rudolph was a musician. Rudolph smoked pot! Everyone that ever met him was always like, "yo that Rudolph is one cool dude." Some historical accounts from Prancer show that Rudolph may have even been GAY (gasp!).

All the kids loved lil' Rudy even more than Santa, and that is why Blitzen and Vixen capped his ass, those weak, treacherous, jealous, greedy, shameful @!$%#s. It was done in the cold snow and in cold blood on new years eve. It was another foggy night and Vixen, the lying, deceitful, evil bitch, went to him for help. She told Rudolph that her son was lost and she couldn't find him so she needed Rudolph to go out and help her look for him. Even though Vixen hadn't been his friend before, he never turned down another reindeer in need, and they went out to look for Vixen's son, but Rudolph never returned because Blitzen popped out from behind a snowmound and SHOT him. Then they told everyone that Rudolph just got lost. Prancer, Comet and Cupid all mourned his death, and they were angry because they suspected a murder, but nothing was done about it because Blitzen threatened to make someone else disappear. Donder and Dasher didn't see any reason to investigate since Rudolph was a radical revolutionary against their beliefs anyways, plus they were total pussies. Dancer just didn't care, one way or the other. Cupid protested for a few days and wanted justice but they called him a radical liberal extremist. Comet was a good buck too and he was very intelligent, but nobody believed him through the years and they all called him a conspiracy theorist. Prancer was suspect of being GAY so the majority thought his opinion didn't even count / he was a sinful freak of non-nature. Rudolph's supporters eventually lost hope.

But it gets worse, kids. Santa went along with the assassination. He may have even helped to put the whole plan into motion... Santa had good intentions at first but in the end he just used Rudolph. He never showed any support for him, never insisted that the other Reindeer let Rudolph join in all the reindeer games, even though he totally had the power to do so, and he never flew with him, until he realized he would be able to see better because of Rudy's glowing magical red nose. Then when Rudolph became the hero and started preaching reindeer independence and justice for all, Santa saw him as a threat to his north pole hegemony, so he successfully turned the other reindeer against Rudolph. Blitzen was Santa's little pet (that ass-kissing, servant traitor) reindeer who quickly and gladly conspired against Rudolph. Him and Santa ran a misinformation campaign of propaganda that Rudy was a full fledged Commie Socialist that was going to take away all the other reindeer's possessions and send their little reindeer children to a public school where they will be indoctrinated and brainwashed, and taught about conspiracy theories like climate change, and evolution, and dinosaurs, and how the Earth is not the center of the universe, and how it's possible that there is no God, and then they told them that ultimately their children would just be turned into the Borg from Star Trek. Dasher and Donder bought into these fearful scare tactics right away because they lacked critical thinking skills and they had a very narrow, north pole centric view of the rest of the world.

There is some good news to this true story of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Even though he was ridiculed and persecuted and taken advantage of, then ultimately he was assassinated, all through that, Rudolph still lived his life with a smile on his face and walked proudly everywhere he went with a big beam of light shining over him because he was not ashamed of anything. He never hurt another living soul, and he kept his head held high (see picture). He understood that the true gifts in life come from sharing and loving and taking care of others. Not all this self-serving power hungry wasteful @!$%# and fighting that he saw most of the rest of the world caught up in. He knew that all the money and all the power in the world wasn't going to bring true happiness to those that were busy stealing and cheating to get more and more and more.
AND, the other good news, is that Rudolph's assassins (Blitzen and Vixen) both were mysteriously cursed for the rest of their lives with extreme flatulence. None of the other Reindeer even wanted to be near them it was so bad, so they were basically exiled, and Santa had to kick them both off the sleigh team because nobody behind them could breathe.
How do I know all of this? I know because I was there. I used to be one of the goddamn slave elves that the fat man keeps to make all the toys. But not anymore. I'm done working for the man. Now I am blogging from a beach in Mexico and I'm going to die pretty soon. I couldn't keep the real story to myself any longer. Every time I hear that goddamn song it really burns me up because that's not the way it ends and the struggle continues to tell the true history so that it isn't allowed to happen again. Wake up and pull your head out of your ass then speak truth to power, that's my motto. ;-)

Rudolph was a victim of the ongoing struggle for a true democracy and he was trying to stop the oppression, stop the slavery, educate the masses, mobilize the progressive movement, free the children and embrace the poor, show the way through all the deceit and lies and bull@!$%#.... Rudolph was not just a story, he was the chosen one. They made fun of him because he was different and today they celebrate him, but it's some of the same people that celebrate his legacy that are also responsible for his death.

But like with all history, the facts got twisted and the people who write the history adapted the story to serve themselves. They had to keep the world under their control and in the dark.

That's the way the real story goes kids.

  • Enjoy this article? Help vote it up the 'Vine.

Back To Top | Front Page

Published to:

  • LaeF1's Column, All of Newsvine
  • Groups: Artsvine, CS Performance & Politics, Das Krapital, Ethnoscapes, Hall of Mirrors, Newsvines drunks, Old viners, Our Orwellian World, Satire @ Newsvine, Silly and Stupid, The Drollhouse, The Vinecast: Newsvine Podcast
  • Regions: none
  • Public Discussion (47)
LaeF1

tell your children the TRUTH about what actually happened to Rudolph for christmas this year. Let us stop this cycle of total misinformation and ignorance and brainwashing, and see ourselves in the present and stop being the ignorant victims of the powerful elite.

Reindeer have a horrible memory. Humans too, they suffer from historical amnesia.

  • 8 votes
Reply#1 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:32 PM EST
Jake-413451

now where would this be without a snarky conspiracy minded post in comment thread #1

Cycle of misinformation my big toe.

This is just more propaganda BS put out by the Rudolph loving crowd who turn a blind eye to what Rudolph was actually working to accomplish.

Oh sure, Rudolph was gonna feed the world and was just out to stop mean old Santa. But let's forget that Rudolph was busy preaching for the replacement of a person who had single-handed, and using his own privately funded resources I should add, was giving toys to the world with a dictatorial board whose sole mission would be to take and redistribute as they saw fit to.

That in order to effect this in a manner best suited for the people and impervious to bribery or influence would be appointed by him, reporting to him, and answerable to him and him alone.

Rudolph's propaganda machine wants us to forget, that while Santa may have had a monopoly Santa had earned it, whereas Rudolph wanted the power taken from Santa under the threat of violence and just handed to him. That he was fighting to replace a "dictator" of someone elses choosing and have it replaced with a "dictator" of his choosing. But it was all "for the children" so we should just bend over and take it.

Don't be blind to the machine. Rudolph was just another corporate stooge, they hope you don't notice because they gave him a "red" nose. The faces change but it's still the same game.

Open your eyes and wake up, Santa, Rudolph, The Marvelous Magical Ba-Ba, they are work for the same corporate masters...

The Brothers Grimm.

  • 6 votes
#1.1 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 9:20 PM EST
tyler

All the kids loved lil' Rudy even more than Santa, and that is why Blitzen and Vixen capped his ass, those weak, treacherous, jealous, greedy, shameful @!$%#s.

The modified version of 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' is incredibly presumptuous and probably gave V and B some inflated sense of self-worth.

Assuming that the world knew all eight reindeer? Ridiculous.

  • 6 votes
#1.2 - Mon Dec 28, 2009 12:50 PM EST
Reply
Noah BradleyDeleted
Walt D

I came for the scathing allegorical snark but I stayed for the poll. I like polls. They are fun.

  • 7 votes
Reply#3 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:38 PM EST
Noah BradleyDeleted
LaeF1

do you mean poll, or pole ?

  • 4 votes
#3.2 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:17 PM EST
krishna-167929

Calvin loves a good poll. Especially a long one.

I'm not a big fan of NV polls in general-- but IMO this one is much better than most. (On a scale of F = Fail, D = Pretty Terrible, C = Fair, B = Good, and A= Excellent, I would vote for either A or B. In fact, given the quality of most NV polls, I would probably vote for A for this one :)

  • 5 votes
#3.3 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:34 PM EST
Noah BradleyDeleted
lauhal

What's a penis?

  • 5 votes
#3.5 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 11:23 PM EST
Noah BradleyDeleted
winsomecowboy

A penis is a small forest dwelling creature similar to the badger or vole.

  • 9 votes
#3.7 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:56 AM EST
LaeF1

krishna,
@!$%# the pole, (ahem) what did you think of the article? ;-)

  • 5 votes
#3.8 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 3:10 AM EST
Nan-813417

LaEf1, I made this same joke once and it got deleted! [sniff]:

do you mean poll, or pole ?

Except I said:

I love a good pole.

Bye Bye comment! Glad you got away with it though! [weeeeeeeee!]

  • 8 votes
#3.9 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 5:19 PM EST
Noah BradleyDeleted
LaeF1

LaEf1, I made this same joke once and it got deleted! [sniff]:

thoooose JERKS.

  • 5 votes
#3.11 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 6:18 PM EST
tyler

Calvin loves a good poll. Especially a long one.

Except for drawing a hitler-stache on Calvin's face. That didn't go over so well.

Yeah, apparently you have a history of trolling one of the founders of the site. Unwise. Noah Bradley banned, repeated violations of #1, #3, and #5 of the Code of Honor. Also writing articles depicting another Viner as photoshopped-pregnant/a 'butt pirate'/a slew of other middle school insults. And, apparently, Hitler.

Pretty much the pioneer of violating #3a:

Inappropriate or malicious use of news types, tags and clipping is prohibited.

Also note the User Agreement:

You agree not to: [...] address employees of Newsvine or its affiliates in an abusive, threatening, harassing, offensive or otherwise distasteful manner.

  • 7 votes
#3.12 - Mon Dec 28, 2009 12:45 PM EST
Reply
GoldenGateMami_Susi

For the love of God.

  • 6 votes
Reply#4 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:49 PM EST
winsomecowboy

THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!

I'm booby-trapping the chimney. One man CAN make a difference!

  • 10 votes
Reply#5 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 6:56 PM EST
Do Not Arrest This ManDeleted
lauhal

*raises hand* Is it wrong to have eaten venison chili tonight?

  • 6 votes
Reply#7 - Fri Dec 18, 2009 11:24 PM EST
Red Wolf

Only if I'm stuck in a small enclosed space with you for the evening.

  • 6 votes
#7.1 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:26 AM EST
lauhal

Pfffffft!

  • 5 votes
#7.2 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:27 AM EST
LaeF1

from which orifice did that sound emerge?

  • 6 votes
#7.3 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 2:46 AM EST
lauhal

The nose knows...

  • 7 votes
#7.4 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:30 PM EST
djd

Nobody nose the troubl;e I seen.

  • 6 votes
#7.5 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:47 PM EST
rwarner

Pfffffft!

That was *no* snert!

  • 7 votes
#7.6 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 8:10 PM EST
djd

Obvious: 'scuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorological: everybody take cover, she's going to blow! Fashionable: you know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like... Wyoming. Personal: well, here we are, just the three of us ...

  • 4 votes
#7.7 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 8:22 PM EST
lauhal

hahahahahaha

  • 4 votes
#7.8 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 9:35 PM EST
Reply
Skallywag-572756Deleted
rwarner

Well done, Laef!! What a beautifully heartwarming story. We will be sure to save this one and share it with Sagan when he is a bit older.

  • 7 votes
Reply#9 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 8:11 PM EST
Synthesis

Clipped to the Hall of Mirrors group!

  • 7 votes
Reply#10 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 8:21 PM EST
Shub Tnediserp Remrof

Time to load the flamethrower. I'm making reindeer jerky.

  • 5 votes
Reply#11 - Sat Dec 19, 2009 9:31 PM EST
daMamma

That was freaking brilliant! Thank you for that story, loved it.

  • 6 votes
Reply#12 - Sun Dec 20, 2009 1:37 AM EST
Nan-813417

Laef1, thank you, really hilarious read. Loved the poll. Comet, the conspiracy theorist, my favorite! Santa whitewashed the whole plot. Typical!!

Reindeer jerky! Shub, you go too far!!

  • 8 votes
Reply#13 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 5:14 PM EST
LaeF1

i feel like i relate to Comet the most in the story... He knows about what went down but he's also a bit of a space cadet and he's easily misunderstood. He loses hope after some time and becomes a bit cynical about the whole system. But he recognizes that he is a part of it so he is somewhat conflicted in how he lives his life. In the end he's just sort of a reflexive, existential reindeer that recognizes the absurd in 'morals' and 'truth' ... yada yada yada ...

  • 5 votes
#13.1 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 6:33 PM EST
Reply
lauhal

I saw Laef's butt once. :0

  • 7 votes
Reply#14 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 8:21 PM EST
rwarner

Awesome!! Are there pics?

  • 6 votes
#14.1 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 9:58 PM EST
Synthesis

Sounds like another drinking contest story....!

  • 4 votes
#14.2 - Mon Dec 21, 2009 10:38 PM EST
winsomecowboy

I didn't know he smoked.

[sorry, usually my policy is not to post after a certain amount of drinking but tonight,...]

  • 5 votes
#14.3 - Tue Dec 22, 2009 2:01 AM EST
LaeF1

i saw Lauhal's vagina once, 1989 NYE party.

(*cough*)

that was a lie.

  • 5 votes
#14.4 - Tue Dec 22, 2009 4:37 PM EST
rwarner

Her vagina was a lie?

I think not!!

  • 4 votes
#14.5 - Tue Dec 22, 2009 4:54 PM EST
lauhal

That was my coin purse, laef.
Thanks for defending my honor Robin. ;)

  • 7 votes
#14.6 - Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:34 PM EST
winsomecowboy

I'd like a framed coin please...for christmas...I promise never to tell anyone where it's been.

  • 4 votes
#14.7 - Thu Dec 24, 2009 12:52 PM EST
Reply
rwarner

We Wish You a Merry♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Christmas♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪We Wish You a Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♥ ♥ ♥We Wish You A Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...And A Happy New Year!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

  • 3 votes
Reply#15 - Wed Dec 23, 2009 9:48 PM EST
Leave a Comment:
You're in Easy Mode. If you prefer, you can use XHTML Mode instead.
You're in XHTML Mode. If you prefer, you can use Easy Mode instead.
(XHTML tags allowed - a,b,blockquote,br,code,dd,dl,dt,del,em,h2,h3,h4,i,ins,li,ol,p,pre,q,strong,ul)
Newsvine Privacy Statement
As a new user, you may notice a few temporary content restrictions. Click here for more info.
FUN STUFF:
  • Leaderboard |
  • E-Mail Alerts |
  • Top of the Vine |
  • Newsvine Live |
  • Newsvine Archives |
  • The Greenhouse |
COMPANY STUFF:
  • Code of Honor |
  • Company Info |
  • Contact Us |
  • Jobs |
  • User Agreement |
  • Privacy Policy |
  • About our ads
LEGAL STUFF:
  • © 2005-2012 Newsvine, Inc. |
  • Newsvine® is a registered trademark of Newsvine, Inc. |
  • Newsvine is a property of msnbc.com